The Style Invitational Week 855 The news could be
verse
By The Empress
Saturday, February 6, 2010; C02
In a poll, D.C.'s parents say schools
are improving
But they're not liking Chancellor Rhee.
And since she's the same person who's
gotten things moving,
In logic, we'll give them a D.
Last's week's obituary poems
once again reminded us how well the Loser corps can recount an event -- or a
whole life -- in the space of a few lines, and in rhyme to boot. We understand
that some Losers even read the newspaper, at least if someone holds some stupid
prize in front of them. This week: Sum up an article (or even an ad!) in any
Washington Post print or online edition from Feb. 6 through Feb. 15 in verse.
Our last current-events poetry contest, in June, was for haiku; haiku are
welcome this time, too, but they have to be stellar to trump four lines of
ingenious doggerel. There's no length limit, but longer poems have to be worth
the space. Please include the headline of the story; if the point of the story
isn't clear from the headline, also describe it briefly.
Winner gets the Inker, the
official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives -- don't say we don't
give out big-money prizes -- a $100 trillion bill. Zimbabwean. It's no longer
valid, but last year this bill could buy several loaves of bread. Donated by
the magnanimous Rick Haynes.
Other runners-up win their
choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug
(see slide show at right for photos of prizes). Honorable Mentions get one of
the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly
tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One
prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com
or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 15. Put "Week
855" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as
spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry.
Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become
the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or
content. Results will be published March 6. No purchase required for entry.
Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not
eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised
title for next week's results is by Craig Dykstra;
this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Chris Doyle.
Report from Week 851, in which we asked you to "shrink" the title of a book, play
or movie and describe the new plot. We got lots of funny titles whose
descriptions didn't really enhance them, including "Less Miserables,"
"Mildly Annoyed Max," "Post-it Notes From the Underground,"
"Physician Assistant Zhivago," "The Discount of Monte Cristo,"
"Intestine of Darkness," "The Meh Santini," "Lost
Verizon," "Policy Disagreement on the Bounty," "Malcolm
PG-13" and "Nicoderm Road."
The winner of the Inker
The Fifth Sense: "I
smell dead people." (Adam and Russell Beland, Fairfax)
2. the winner of the
unflattering Eleanor Roosevelt doll:
The Mediocre Gatsby: The
biography of Tareq Salahi. (Ira Allen, Bethesda)
3.Slaughterhouse $4.99: A
family gets to choose among beef, chicken and pork with all the trimmings --
only at Denny's! (Greg Arnold, Herndon)
4. Three Days of the Condom:
Love on a shoestring. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh)
Missed the Marquee: Honorable Mentions
Guess Who's Coming To: A guy
passes out. Then he wakes up. (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.)
Casablank: Rick can't really
recall meeting Ilsa before, but he plays along because, what the heck, she
looks like Ingrid Bergman. (Larry Yungk, Arlington)
The Least of the Mohicans: A
young Indian in New York scalps his theater tickets. (Roy Ashley, Washington)
The Manchurian Media Darling
Who Won't Say He's Running and Won't Say He Isn't: A Chinese plot to get
Americans to give up on democracy once and for all. (Tom Kreitzberg, Silver
Spring)
Perturbed Bull: "Did you
read off-color poetry to my wife?" (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station)
Halve-atar: See it in 1.5-D!
(Jim Deutsch, Washington)
75 Days of Summer: A guy
lives in Minnesota. (Josh Borken, Minneapolis)
One Hundred Minutes of
Solitude: A teenager gets after-school detention. (Tom Witte, Montgomery
Village)
Apollo 12: Three U.S.
astronauts blast off for the moon, where they plant a flag, gather rocks and
drink Tang, then return to Earth without incident. (Bob Dalton, Arlington)
20,000 Millimeters Under the
Sea: The story of the Chesapeake Bay Bridge-Tunnel. (Jon Graft, Centreville)
The Satanic
Doggerel: The Koran in limerick form. "There once was a Prophet from Mecca
. . ." (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)
Oh. Calcutta: Teens are
disappointed after sneaking into a play about . . . Calcutta. (Kyle
Hendrickson, Frederick)
Eat, Pay, Love: Eliot
Spitzer's soul-stirring memoir of self-discovery on a brief business trip to
Washington. (Gordon Barnes, Alexandria)
The Hitchhikers CliffsNotes
to the Galaxy: 42. (Kyle Hendrickson)
Naked Breakfast: Embarrassing
dad forgets to close his robe while cooking, finally learns lesson from bacon
splatter. (Randy Lee, Burke)
The Pelican Briefs: Travelers
with oversize underwear arouse suspicion at airport security checkpoints. (Jeff
Loren, Manassas)
The Man Who Would Be Deputy
Assistant Secretary: The stark truth about civil service. (John Shea,
Lansdowne, Pa.)
Reasonable Expectations:
Orphaned Pip realizes that his life in the mid-19th century is going to stink
no matter what. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn)
Gone in 60 Minutes: Man
starts the car while his wife finishes getting ready to leave. (David Friedman,
Boston)
Gone in 30 Seconds:
Fast-paced film about a mom who brings home pizza for three teenage boys. (Drew
Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)
Around the Mall in 80
Minutes: NOBODY has those cute boots! (Jean Berard, Arnold, Md., a First
Offender)
Mr. Smith Goes to
Scaggsville: Near the end of his trip to the nation's capital, a traffic jam on
I-95 forces him off the road south of Baltimore. (Beverley Sharp, Washington)
Lightly Soiled Harry:
"What you have to ask yourself is 'Do I feel yucky?' " (Russell
Beland)
The Hunchback of South Bend
Community College: Walk-on lineman doesn't let his disability deter him in the
big game against Iowa Normal School. (Edmund Conti)
The Da Vinci Code Ring:
Robert Langdon unearths a monstrous conspiracy hidden in a box of Cracker Jack.
(Ben Frey, Frederick, a First Offender)
Next Week: Small, Lets Get, or The Taper Chase